Done With This Dog (and other Miscommunications)

My sister is using AI to communicate with me and honestly, I’m happy about it. We have not always had the best communication between us. We’ve had our share of misunderstood situations in our family. Both my mother and my youngest sister are very literal people. Literal is fine, except when there is a need for nuance. Once while dropping off her daschound Vinny with our parents before going out of town, my sister told my mom and dad she was “done with this dog.” She left Vinny, plenty of food and his leash. When one literal person said this to another literal person, no one asked for or gave any clarifying details. My mother took it upon herself to rehome Vinny. It just so happened that her friend was looking for another small dog. One of hers had recently died. The friend took the dog for a few days, and not only did the dogs get along, but her husband fell in love with Vinny. He was a shiny, mischievous black and tan little guy. They bought him a new bed and his own food and water bowls, and he, in turn, charmed them.

When my sister returned from her trip, she swung by our parent’s house. Expecting to pick up her dog, she was suprised he wasn’t greeting her. “Where’s Vinny?” she asked.

“Marsha took him,” my mom said. “They just love him, he’s doing really well there.”

“What? You gave away my dog?” my sister said, incredulous.

“I already have two dogs, I didn’t want to keep him. It’s perfect, Marsha was looking for a dog to adopt.”

“Mom, I did not tell you to give away my dog.”

“Yes you did. You said you were done with him.”

“I didn’t mean get rid of him! Mom, you have to get him back!”

Vinny had a great vacation, lots of spoiling, and then was returned with much sadness and disappointment from his temporary owners.

This became a funny family story that has been repeated in various forms of miscommunication through the years. Most recently, my sister was planning an elective medical procedure. She told my mother, father, my other sister, and a family friend about it. She asked them to keep the information to themselves. When they mentioned the procedure to me and I didn’t know about it, they interpreted it as a secret to be kept from me. I was hurt about being excluded from information everyone else seemed to know, and the situation caused my mother and our longtime family friend to argue and accuse each other of spilling the beans. Defenses were up, unkind things were said. As ridiculous as it sounds, this caused a major rupture in their friendship of many years. They stopped talking.

Eventually my sister sent a text to all parties asking that we all stop making a big deal about her elective surgery, and sent before and after pictures of her results. She totally missed the point.

I responded, letting her know it wasn’t about her surgery, but about keeping secrets, trust, and how this created a rift between our mom and a family friend.

Her response to me was clearly written by AI. It was not defensive, it was not dramatic. It was well written, in several short paragraphs, and ended with “Lesson learned.” I have never heard my sister use those words before. I have never seen her be this clear, kind, and apologetic in writing. Even if these words were not written by her, they went a long long way toward healing the hurts she inadvertently caused. She clearly meant these words. She just couldn’t write them herself.

She was asking AI for help responding to the situation, and it helped her respond effectively and put her feelings and thoughts into words. Many of us do not have much practice sharing our thoughts logically and kindly in tense or emotional situations. A little help goes a long way.

Although I am a writer, I use AI for some things I need to write. I run a busy vacation rental, and this means questions from guests at all hours. AI can look at the question and write a response for me about the wifi password before I’ve had my coffee in the morning. Obviously, they didn’t read the welcome I sent or the house info on the app. Rather than accuse the guest of inattention and illiteracy, as I am wont to do before coffee, AI can be more professional. When a guest sends a message requesting a late check-out while I’m brushing my teeth and getting ready for bed, I want to say “Nope, not this time.” AI can be less tired and more friendly than I can at that moment. These kinds of interactions do not call for my creative writing skills. I also ask AI for help with sales and marketing copy, which I do not enjoy writing. Given enough context and a clear goal, AI can do a great job with this too. I will always edit it to more closely align with my own voice and what I would naturally say. And I take out the obsequious fluff.

My sisters and I have responsibilities related to our parents’ aging with multiple health challenges, including advanced diabetes. We have a lot of medical conversations between us siblings. We talk about our parents’ blood sugar and blood pressure more than we talk about anything else. My sisters and I have differing views and levels of knowledge on our parents’ medical issues. One sister has a deeply-held distrust of the medical establishment and an interest in alternative therapies. I have a son who is a doctor, and after learning about his training, I have a deep respect for doctors. I don’t, however, trust AI for critical medical advice. It doesn’t have the context for complex issues. I can go to a doctor in the family, who has all the context, for questions and clarification. But if using AI can help us have kinder, more productive and straightforward discussions about these emotional topics, great. This helps us to work as a team in the stressful roles we each have, caring for our parents. My relationship with my siblings is important to me and if AI helps us communicate more effectively, I embrace that.

When I ask AI to help me communicate, I prompt it with my intent and the tone I would like to use, and the context of the situation. The level of specificity I ask for is important: be kind, professional, respectful, lighthearted, or hold my boundaries. Given all the information, AI helps to write clearly, without the unintended misinterpretations we’ve been troubled with in the past. While the miscommunications can be funny, we don’t need our parents’ care and medication management turned into a game of telephone. It’s hard enough to keep track of everything. After all, we don’t want any more pets or our own parents given away.

Update: I sent this essay to my sister, who read it while stuck on a runway in Newark. She wrote that apology text and “Lesson learned” herself. She just needed the stakes to be high enough.